Sunday, January 30, 2011

All about men

Q: Why are cucumbers better than men?
A: Because they can stay hard for more than a week

 ==================================


3 brothers named BU, CHU, and FU migrated to the USA from China. They decided to change their names.

BU became Buck, CHU became Chuck  while FU decided to go back to China.
==============================

How do you compare a man’s dick and a car?
1) Feels good when it fast
2) Smooth when lubricated
3) Useless when flat
================================
A man consulted his doctor, why his dick is yellow.
DOCTOR: Hmm soap and water  would do and tell your girlfriend to stop eating cheese curls
===============

What do submarines and penises have in common?
1) They are both long and hard
2) They go down deep
3) The contain a lot of seamen
 =========================

Old man to faith healer.  Can you give me an erection?

Faith healer: I can make the blind see. I can make the crippled walk, I can cure cancer BUT I can’t raise the dead!!

Saturday, January 29, 2011

All about women


Question: Paano mo malalaman pag lalaki or babae ang manok

Answer: Lalake- TITImbangin

Babae- KIKIluhin
================================================
 

Lady in a sexshop

LADY: Ddddooo yyyouuu sell  vibratorsssss!!

CLERK: Yes Ma’am

LADY: The big blackkkk onnesss???

CLERK: Yes and why?

LADY: Hhhowwww doooo youuu turnnnn it off????

 ============================================



3 daughters to dad

Girl1: I’m going out with Pete to eat

Girl2: I’m going out with Lance to dance

Girl3: I’m going out with Chuck to …..

Dad: Sorry, your staying home

 ===================================================


At the hotel a handsome man accidentally hits a girl’s breasts

HANDSOME MAN: If your heart is as soft as your breasts you’ll forgive me

HORNY GIRL:  Hmm if your dick is hard as your elbow, I’m on room 69!!

 ===================================================

CONTEST: Palakihan ng pekpek

CHINA:  pinasok telepono

THAILAND: pinasok TV

USA: pinasok upuan

PHILIPPINES: pinasok piso!! At biglang tumogtog ang jukebox

 ==================================

What is the difference between a GOOD girl and a BAD girl?

GOOD GIRL: A good girl goes to party , goes home then goes to bed

BAD GIRL: A bad girl goes to a party, goes to bed then goes home
=====================================


Where do most women have curly and black hair?
ANS: Not there!! You dirty mind but in Africa



=====================================

Lady in a diner  sees the cook flattening a burger patty with his armpit


LADY: “That’s the most disgusting thing I have ever seen!!”

WAITER: “you should be here in the morning and see how we make doughnuts.
================================================


WOMAN TO DOCTOR:Thank you for making me a virgin again for my wedding. No blood no pain and it didn’t cost me much. How did you do it?

DOCTOR: I tied your pubic hair together
=======================================


How can you tell when a woman is not wearing panties?

A: By the dandruff on her shoes






 ==============================

What comes out in FAT breasts?  BUTTERMILK
Skinny breasts?  SKIMMED MILK
Black woman’s breasts? CHOCO MILK
What about a old woman’s breasts? YOGURT


Friday, January 28, 2011

Gloomy Girl

Eto na nga tinatakutan ko, I got a text message from gloomy smart girl  na nakadate ko and she's inviting me na magouting. Mukhang nagustuhan niya ako OMG!. Nagreply naman ako na nasa malayo akong lugar and I'm busy. She texted back and said intay daw siya. Oh, well naisip ko i'll just accept her invitation  kasi malapit na valentines at least may idadate ako. hmmmmm eventhough di ko siya type.

Oh well! open pa naman ako sa pagiging friends with her. And I don't have an intention to make ligaw or make her my girlfriend.


Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Si kuya



Nagdinner kami as family kasama si kuya at yung wife niya at si ate. Tapos inannounce ni kuya na baka magmigrate na sila sa Australia, pagnaayos na ang papers nila. Of course nalungkot ako sa balita.


My brother is 6 years older than me at ako yung bunso like kris aquino hehehehe.

I can still remember noong araw,  yung away namin noong mga bata pa kami. Kasi may ginawang kasalanan si kuya at sinumbong ko siya agad sa parents namin. Napagalitan si kuya in a major major way ng aming mga magulang. Malas ko lang kasi  wala akong bunso na kapatid nangangalang  Ding na pwede magdala ng puting bato para sa akin. Ayun pagsuntok ni kuya sa akin eh na naknock out ako. I mean,  isang suntok lang sa kin eh  tulog agad ako bwahahahaha..Sayang di ko hawak yung puting bato if ever hawak ko yun eh I'm sure bugbug siya sa akin.



Actually marami ako kasalanan sa mga kapatid ko. Kasi masyado akong pakialamero kasi yung mga porn magazines at videos ni kuya eh alam ko saan nakatago. Pati mga food na tinatago niya eh alam ko din kung saan nakalagay. Yung diary naman ni ate eh binabasa ko,  ng di niya alam pero nabored ako kasi puro boylets ang laman  ng diary niya, mga crushes niya at mga friends niya.Walang kwenta kasi yung diary ni ate  kasi may lock pero ang dali naman buksan hehehe.

May isang time din na nashock ako  kay kuya kasi  laging nagpupunta sa bahay namin yung girlfriend niya noong highschool at laging  nagkukulong ang dalawa sa kwarto. So umatake nanaman ang pagkacurious at pagkapakialamero ko. So sumilip ako sa bintana niya at nagulat ako kasi nakita ko si kuya nakatalikod at nakahubad at  kayakap si  girlfriend na nakasuot ng bra. Sobrang shock ako nun at di na ako tumingin ulit. Then sa sobrang shock eh namutla ako at di makapagsalita.


Nakita ako ng tsimay namin sa house at nagtanong kung bakit namumutla ako. Pero di ko siya sinagot at pumasok ako sa aking kwarto. Sa totoo lang never ko pa to nakwento kahit kanino kasi if ever makwento ko eh baka mapatay na ako ng kapatid ko.

Si kuya is the most popular guy sa school namin and I lived under my brothers shadow. Like mga teachers nagcocomment ng ahh ikaw yung litle brother ni ganito.

Noong college na si kuya eh siya na ang naghahatid at sumusundo sa akin sa school. At may times na nabwibwisit ako sa kanya kasi nagagalit siya pagumuupo ako sa likuran ng kotse at gusto niya lagi ako sa harap katabi niya. Grabe si kuya super arte kasi ayaw niya na magmukha siyang driver.

Honestly malulungkot ako pagmatuloy ang pagmigrate ni kuya sa Australia. Kasi  mamiss ko siya at minsan magkakampi kami laban kay ate hahahha....And may times din na nililibre ako ni kuya ng food pag pay day.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

My dumb officemate

Kawawa naman ang officemate ko kasi naging laughing stock siya ng buong office namin. I don't know if his dumb or di lang siya marunong sa internet. Kasi kaming lahat na employees eh may official email address from our company.

Eh may pagkamanyak pa yang si officemate at mahilig magsurf ng porn at mga iba pang bastusin na dating websites at chat. Ang tanga talaga, kasi ginagamit niya ang official email niya sa pagsali sa mga bastos na sites or adult rated na chatrooms.

Ako if ever magjoijoin ako sa mga malalaswang chatrooms eh gagawa ako ng fake email with a different identity.

Then one day, yung pinakaboss namin ay may natanggap na email  mula kay dumb officemate. At  isa siyang spam  at sabi sa email eh iniinvite ni dumb officemate si big boss na magvisit sa isang bastos na chatroom. Take note, hindi pinadala ni dumb officemate yun sa big boss namin so gulat na gulat ang loko.


Kawawa si officemate kasi napagalitan at nabigyan siya ng warning. At inemail ni big boss sa lahat ng employees to stop using their company email na unrelated sa work

Thursday, January 20, 2011

EDSA Dos

Today is the anniversary ng  EDSA Dos January 20. Nasa  school pa lang ako noong time na yun. At siempre tuwang tuwa kaming mga estudyante kasi wala kaming klase kasi sabi ng teacher namin na magrarally ang school namin laban kay President Erap Estrada. So, kahit yung ibang estudyante, whether pro or anti erap sila eh walang choice kundi sumama sa rally.

Natatandaan ko pa noon na may isang malaking placard na nakasulat ay ORETA POKPOK. Galit ang mga tao kay Senator Tessie Aquino Oreta dahil sa infamous na pagsasayaw niya sa loob ng senado. I don't understand kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng pokpok. Tinanong ko si pinsan at sabi niya "Ang ibig sabihin ng pokpok eh puta or prostitute." And I said okay hehehehe


Since napaguspan na rin ang pokpok eh magpopost ako ng joke about sa mga pokpok

=======================================================


2 prostitutes after work pass by a stinking estero

POKPOK1: Hmph!! Ang BAHO!! Amoy titi

POKPOK2: Ay sorry ha! Dumighay lang kasi ako eh
======================================================

Now, back to edsa dos topic, When President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo became president eh wala pa rin pagbabago kasi andun pa rin ang corruption.
And its kind of funny kasi noong last presidential election eh second si Erap sa presidentiables. So it means na di lahat na pumunta sa Edsa noon, eh anti erap. At di doon nasusukat sa crowd sa Edsa ang buong pilipinas

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Fried Chicken


Feeling chef ako today like Bree Van de Kamp or Martha Stewart bwahahahaha. Marami nagsasabi na kamukha ko daw si Robert Pengson ---(Lie)

I'm gonna share a recipe, the fried chicken ng Max restaurant. Medyo malapit lapit na yung taste niya sa Max fried chicken
 Max Fried Chicken recipe:

1) Pahiran ng konting rock salt ang manok at magintay ng 30 minutes.(Hwag masyado damihan baka umalat)

2) After 30 mins pakuluan sa tubig ang manok hanggang lumambot ito.

3) Kunin ang manok sa tubig at pahiran ng patis (fish sauce)  ang buong manok.

4) Piritohin ang manok gamit sa mantika


 KFC Recipe (haven't tried this one yet but my friend shared me this recipe)

1 tablespoon rosemary
1 tablespoon oregano
1 tablespoon ground sage
1 teaspoon powdered ginger
1 teaspoon marjoram
1 1/2 teaspoons thyme
3 tablespoons packed brown sugar
3 tablespoons dry parsley flakes
1 teaspoon pepper
1 tablespoon paprika
2 tablespoons garlic salt
2 tablespoons onion salt
2 tablespoons chicken bouillon powder or 4 chicken bouillon cubes, crushed
1 package lipton cup tomato soup mix


1. Place all ingredients in blender and pulse for 3-4 minutes to grind well.
2. Store in an airtight container.
3. Makes about 3/4 cup.
4. There are actually 11 spices in the above combination, but an additional 3 ingredients were necessary to get that special flavor.


KFC GRAVY

1 Tbsp vegetable oil
5 Tbsp all-purpose flour
1 can Campbell's chicken broth (plus 1 can of water)
1/4 tsp salt
1/8 tsp MSG or Accent Flavor enhancer
1/8 tsp black pepper

Fist make a roux by combining the oil with 1 1/2 Tbsp of flour in a medium
saucepan over low heat. Heat the mixture for 20-30 minutes, stirring often,
until it is a dark chocolate color.
Remove the roux from the heat, add the remaining ingredients to the saucepan
and stir.
Put the saucepan back over the heat, turn in up to medium and bring the
gravy to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer for 15 minutes, or until thick.

Makes about 3 cups


I'm also gonna share to you guys the 300 recipe's from famous American fastfoods like McDonalds, Mrs. Field cookies, Starbucks etc..

Download it here:
http://hotfile.com/dl/97846734/6742052/300_R.zip.html

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Lady Bus Drivers


Lady bus driver   “Women are better drivers than men.” Thus  said MMDA Chairman Francis Tolentino who is now batting for lady drivers to drive public utility vehicles.

Tolentino, during the agency’s radio program, said over the weekend that he would lay down his proposal to the Land Transportation Franchising and Regulatory Board (LTFRB) to urge bus owners and operators, to employ lady drivers. Tolentino, citing scientific studies in the United States, said women are less aggressive, more trustworthy and law-abiding than male drivers. He added that men tend to lose their cool while driving, and that male drivers get drunk more often than women.



The Metropolitan Manila Development Authority (MMDA) has started accepting applications for lady “bus drivers," barely a week after it broached the idea to the public.

The MMDA, which is pushing for female bus drivers as a measure to minimize bus-related accidents, earlier offered perks to bus companies that will hire women drivers. (  Personally, I have to disagree with Tolentino)
==========================================================


It has always been a common knowledge that women can't drive

Here are some of the HARD EVIDENCE








See more examples


So to all the women, if driving is too difficult, please stay in your kitchen or


Monday, January 17, 2011

Friends or Lovers


Last night noong nasa Mercury drugstore ako habang bumibili ng gamot para sa sipon

......ay may napansin ako.

May dalawang very good looking  guys na magkaibigan.. And guess what kung ano ibinili nila.

CONDOMS





Napaisip tuloy ako Hmmm its either they will screw each other or screw their girlfriends. Kasi personally, ako never ako bibili ng condom with a male or a straight guy na friend. Is it normal na 2 guys na sabay bibili ng condom hahahaha

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Blind Date

Before ko nimeet yung pinapadate ng friend ko eh tinext ko muna siya and I asked for her profile. And sabi ni friend she's smart, magna cum laude siya at honor student since elementary, at isang siyang  teacher sa isang kilalang school.



When I first saw her I was kind of disappointed  kasi di siya maganda kasi tipo ko yung mga mestisa girls like Kristine Hermosa or Marian Rivera. Pero sa totoo lang minsan di ko na pinapansin yung itsura kundi yung ugali.  She reminds me of Daria Morgendorffer ng Beavis and Butthead. She's short, morena, has big kinky hair and wears thick eye glasses. And I find her gloomy..



So nagdinner kami and she did most of the talking and I got bored. Kasi para siya talagang teacher, like the tone of her voice or the way she speaks. Ewan ko ba siguro kasi she's the intelligent type eh ako  average lang. Parang siyang crazy scientist na geek. hehehehe. Naging good listener naman ako puro Oo, tama ka, I see....ang mga naging sagot ko.

Napagusapan na rin namin ang marriage kasi we are both of the same age and were both approaching 30 na.

Sabi ni smart girl once na magasawa siya di na daw siya magwowork. Aba! naturn off ako dun sa sinabi niya. Kasi if ever magaasawa ako eh gusto ko nagwowork din siya at may sarili din siyang money. Kasi kadalasan na pinagaawayan ng magasawa  ay  pera lalo na kung pareho sila ng source of income. And maslalo pa ako naturn off noong nagsmoke siya. Kasi ako totally turn off talaga sa kin pag smoker ang kadate ko coz I really hate the smell of  cigarettes. 

Nainip ako sa date namin at gusto ko matapos na agad. Buti naman at mabilis ang dating ng order namin. At nakauwi na ako ng maaga. Phew!! I hope di niya ako nagustuhan or natipuhan para di na maulit bwahahahaha

And nanghinayang ako sa binayad ko huhuhuhu sa date (Damn! umatake nanaman ang pagkakuripot ko)



=================================

Speaking of Beavis and Butthead magkakaroon sila ng comeback this year 2011. I used to watch Beavis and Butthead noon,  pero minor pa ako ng time na yun. At di  pa alam ng mga parents ko na bastos pala yung cartoons na yun at pangadults lang talaga at di pambata. Pero sa totoo lang may ilang parts ako na di naintindihan sa cartoon kasi inosente pa ako noon hahahaha. 




I just want to share a game from Beavis and Butthead called Virtual Stupidity.  It's an adventure computer game and  was developed and published by Viacom New Media. The game was released on August 31, 1995.


Download it here:

http://hotfile.com/dl/96149757/99995fe/Bb.zip.html

Friday, January 14, 2011

Pringles

Last night bumili ako ng pringles kasi sarap kumain nito while watching my favorite movie sa dvd.



Question what's  the difference between Pringles and a Condom?

PRINGLES: Once you pop you can’t stop
CONDOM: Once nagpop you must stop



Speaking of condom natawa ako sa kwento ng friend ko. Kasi yung teacher niya may kaibigan na social worker at nagtuturo siya ng family planning sa mga squatters. Then tinuro ni social worker na ang condom ay isa sa paraan para di mabuntis ang babae. So ang ginawa ni social worker ay pinakita ang condom at nilagay niya sa kanyang daliri.
Then after a few weeks eh may lumapit na babae na nagrereklamo sa office ni social worker. Sabi ng babae na di daw effective yung condom kasi nabuntis siya. Napaisip tuloy si social worker at nagtaka kung bakit nabuntis si babae. At ang reason pala kaya nabuntis si babae ay dahil sinuot niya ang condom sa daliri niya at di sa pitotoy noong lalaking partner niya. 
This is based on a true story, Grabe di ako makapaniwala na may ganun katanga at kabobo na tao. Dapat sa susunod magdadala ang social worker ng dildo or yung iba nilalagay sa cucumber yung condom hehehehehe


Thursday, January 13, 2011

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Mission Accomplished

Last January 3, 2011 eh nagpost ako about gaining weight dahil sa paglamon last christmas and new year

And after gaining weight eh nagdiet na ako then of course gym. Before I gained 169 then after 8 days I lost 3 pounds. Wow!

Kaya lang my height is really 5'9 pero  minsan mali yung nakalagay sa mercury na weight ticket minsan 5'8, 5'8 1/2 etc. And noong year 2009 my weight was 180 so I decided na magpapayat na talaga.





I'm also going to post a body picture of mine, It's a screen shot from my webcam. Kasi I want to prove that my pictures are authentic at di lang kinuha sa internet. And take note di ako nagshoshow sa cam or nagpapakita ng .......hehehehe ginawa ko lang para sa blog.



Monday, January 10, 2011

Magic and illusions




I just want to share a video clip from America's Got Talent. Grabe ang galing!

Watch it here:

video